HANGIN

Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit patuloy ko pa rin pinagbibigyan ang mga bagay na alam ko naming dapat hindi na dapat pagbigyan.

Ilang ulit nang naranasan ang panlalamig ng braso… ilang ulit ko ng tinanong sa sarili kung ano nga ba ang dapat maramdaman. Kung maibabalik ko lang sana, iibahin ko ang mga nagyari, at sasabihin ang nararapat ng paulit ulit. Ngunit tila walang ng dulo ang mga nangyayari.

Gusto kong tumalikod… ngunit gusto ko ring bumalik ka dito.  Nakikiusap na lang ako sa hangin kung ano ang aking gagawin, at nang matapos na ang aking pag-iisip.

Akala ko natagpuan ko na ang dulo. Nakahinga na ako ng malalim… Pero…bakit… bakit mo ako kinausap na tila parang walang nangyari... Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit natin pilit na pinaglalaruan ang mga bagay na hindi dapat paglaruan.

Hindi kita maintindihan.

Gusto ko na sanang malaman kung san ta’yo patungo at huwag na tayong magmaang-maangan at matakot kung ano ang kalalabasan…dahil kung ano man ang magiging kalalabasan nito, hindi ako masasaktan, dahil punung-puno na  ng pasakirt and aking nararamdaman.

Gusto ko lang sanang malaman…kung bakit ka nagiging ganyan. Kung bakit mo ipinagkakait ang katotohanan...kung bakit hindi mo maamin sa sarili mo na ang lahat ng ito ay laro lamang... gusto ko lang marinig mula sa 'yong bibig... at nang ako'y hindi na malunod sa putang inang pag-iisip...

Promise, hindi ako masasaktan...aminin mo lang kung ang lahat ng ito ay laro lamang...

Kaya ang tanging inilalagay ko sa aking utak ay itatangay din lahat ng hangin ang nabuong pagsasamahan... dahil nakita mo kung paano ako nawasak, kung paano ako bumangon, dahil nandoon ka mula noon...

Sentiments

I had a choice.

I kept riding in the roller coaster.

Now, I am tangled.

He keeps away and gives me the blues in life. I cannot describe any much further how he makes me sane and insane at the same time.

I talk to him for hours and I sometimes caught myself smiling differently—brighter and true.

Then, I reminded myself that maybe these things happen for the sake of making myself feel better or perhaps it’s just how life is making a story that is worth remembering.  But, how I see it is the issue to myself. I am convincing myself to believe that all of those are true, because I feel it, even if my mantra in life is not to invest feelings for anyone yet…

When it is cold and weary, he is there.

When too much happiness fills me, he then brings me insecurity, jealousy and anger. That is when I remember, “not to invest feelings”.

So I prayed… everyday and every night.  I pray to God to keep my mind clear and to cleanse my heart from all the somnolence…that when I wake up, I’ll be free from all the uncertainties.

I’m still in that roller coaster ride. I want to feel what it’s like... to be freed from my uncertainties…to untangle what is tangled and to settle the choices that keeps on bothering me.

It’s not yet too late though, but my feelings have this fluctuations and I’m worried about it.

Well, life goes on. I’m just gonna wait what life will bring for the next few days, weeks, months or years… What is important today is that I am still breathing…

3-22-17

It’s been almost 8 months since someone took the other side of the road. It was hard to absorb all the obnoxiousness. It seemed like I’m going to mourn forever, because I have given everything just to save that relationship.

I am not perfect… but I tried to be true as much as possible. I had mistakes and I admit all those. Perhaps, I am not really good enough… Perhaps he didn’t really love me as much as I loved him.  Perhaps, we are not really meant for each other.

Through those years of good and bad memories, those were the good times of my existence. I didn’t regret anything of those that happened, and I’m going to cherish those forever. 

I haven’t told the story to many, because I don’t want to explain and it was too painful to recall. It wasn’t a savage break up because he sugar-coated everything, until one day, the truth has prevailed. The pain doubled… no tripled… it was excruciating that I had to leave my house and stay at my bestfriend’s home for 3 days.

I lost count of how many bottles of beer and gin I drank. How many gallons of tears I shed. How many petit-mal seizures I had (No I don’t have seizures, I’m just exaggerating).  I still have tons of questions, and he never dared to discourse any of it. I have tons of proofs, but he never acknowledged any of it.

All I want is to hear what is true and what it isn’t, that will keep my mind at peace, that’s why I cannot stop tweeting about shit and nonsense because I am pissed.

Why can’t he just speak of the truth rather than blabbering lies and loathsome stories, why can’t he speak of both sides so people could understand what is and what isn’t… Why can’t he just man up.

Hahaha. Sorry, I am at rage.

I really need to be at peace, because at some point,  he hasn’t spoken of the truth and he blamed me for everything… again, I am not perfect. Nobody is, but atleast, I acted as a sane human being accepting the flaws of my existence. Nevertheless, I am slowly standing up, big thanks to my awesome friends who never left me through the pain and suffering that I had.

I met new friends; they are amazing, crazy and all sorts of things that makes me happy and annoyed at the same time. My horizon has expanded through the landscape. I realized that everything has an end and that change will always be the permanent thing in this world.

As part of my moving on ceremony (yes I call it that, HAHAHAHA, it makes me feel better), I am still hoping that he will acknowledge every uncertainty. So that everybody will be truly HAPPY.