HANGIN

Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit patuloy ko pa rin pinagbibigyan ang mga bagay na alam ko naming dapat hindi na dapat pagbigyan.

Ilang ulit nang naranasan ang panlalamig ng braso… ilang ulit ko ng tinanong sa sarili kung ano nga ba ang dapat maramdaman. Kung maibabalik ko lang sana, iibahin ko ang mga nagyari, at sasabihin ang nararapat ng paulit ulit. Ngunit tila walang ng dulo ang mga nangyayari.

Gusto kong tumalikod… ngunit gusto ko ring bumalik ka dito.  Nakikiusap na lang ako sa hangin kung ano ang aking gagawin, at nang matapos na ang aking pag-iisip.

Akala ko natagpuan ko na ang dulo. Nakahinga na ako ng malalim… Pero…bakit… bakit mo ako kinausap na tila parang walang nangyari... Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit natin pilit na pinaglalaruan ang mga bagay na hindi dapat paglaruan.

Hindi kita maintindihan.

Gusto ko na sanang malaman kung san ta’yo patungo at huwag na tayong magmaang-maangan at matakot kung ano ang kalalabasan…dahil kung ano man ang magiging kalalabasan nito, hindi ako masasaktan, dahil punung-puno na  ng pasakirt and aking nararamdaman.

Gusto ko lang sanang malaman…kung bakit ka nagiging ganyan. Kung bakit mo ipinagkakait ang katotohanan...kung bakit hindi mo maamin sa sarili mo na ang lahat ng ito ay laro lamang... gusto ko lang marinig mula sa 'yong bibig... at nang ako'y hindi na malunod sa putang inang pag-iisip...

Promise, hindi ako masasaktan...aminin mo lang kung ang lahat ng ito ay laro lamang...

Kaya ang tanging inilalagay ko sa aking utak ay itatangay din lahat ng hangin ang nabuong pagsasamahan... dahil nakita mo kung paano ako nawasak, kung paano ako bumangon, dahil nandoon ka mula noon...

Sentiments

I had a choice.

I kept riding in the roller coaster.

Now, I am tangled.

He keeps away and gives me the blues in life. I cannot describe any much further how he makes me sane and insane at the same time.

I talk to him for hours and I sometimes caught myself smiling differently—brighter and true.

Then, I reminded myself that maybe these things happen for the sake of making myself feel better or perhaps it’s just how life is making a story that is worth remembering.  But, how I see it is the issue to myself. I am convincing myself to believe that all of those are true, because I feel it, even if my mantra in life is not to invest feelings for anyone yet…

When it is cold and weary, he is there.

When too much happiness fills me, he then brings me insecurity, jealousy and anger. That is when I remember, “not to invest feelings”.

So I prayed… everyday and every night.  I pray to God to keep my mind clear and to cleanse my heart from all the somnolence…that when I wake up, I’ll be free from all the uncertainties.

I’m still in that roller coaster ride. I want to feel what it’s like... to be freed from my uncertainties…to untangle what is tangled and to settle the choices that keeps on bothering me.

It’s not yet too late though, but my feelings have this fluctuations and I’m worried about it.

Well, life goes on. I’m just gonna wait what life will bring for the next few days, weeks, months or years… What is important today is that I am still breathing…

3-22-17

It’s been almost 8 months since someone took the other side of the road. It was hard to absorb all the obnoxiousness. It seemed like I’m going to mourn forever, because I have given everything just to save that relationship.

I am not perfect… but I tried to be true as much as possible. I had mistakes and I admit all those. Perhaps, I am not really good enough… Perhaps he didn’t really love me as much as I loved him.  Perhaps, we are not really meant for each other.

Through those years of good and bad memories, those were the good times of my existence. I didn’t regret anything of those that happened, and I’m going to cherish those forever. 

I haven’t told the story to many, because I don’t want to explain and it was too painful to recall. It wasn’t a savage break up because he sugar-coated everything, until one day, the truth has prevailed. The pain doubled… no tripled… it was excruciating that I had to leave my house and stay at my bestfriend’s home for 3 days.

I lost count of how many bottles of beer and gin I drank. How many gallons of tears I shed. How many petit-mal seizures I had (No I don’t have seizures, I’m just exaggerating).  I still have tons of questions, and he never dared to discourse any of it. I have tons of proofs, but he never acknowledged any of it.

All I want is to hear what is true and what it isn’t, that will keep my mind at peace, that’s why I cannot stop tweeting about shit and nonsense because I am pissed.

Why can’t he just speak of the truth rather than blabbering lies and loathsome stories, why can’t he speak of both sides so people could understand what is and what isn’t… Why can’t he just man up.

Hahaha. Sorry, I am at rage.

I really need to be at peace, because at some point,  he hasn’t spoken of the truth and he blamed me for everything… again, I am not perfect. Nobody is, but atleast, I acted as a sane human being accepting the flaws of my existence. Nevertheless, I am slowly standing up, big thanks to my awesome friends who never left me through the pain and suffering that I had.

I met new friends; they are amazing, crazy and all sorts of things that makes me happy and annoyed at the same time. My horizon has expanded through the landscape. I realized that everything has an end and that change will always be the permanent thing in this world.

As part of my moving on ceremony (yes I call it that, HAHAHAHA, it makes me feel better), I am still hoping that he will acknowledge every uncertainty. So that everybody will be truly HAPPY.

CAKE

Naalala ko lang, nung nasabi niya na mas naapreciate pa sana niya kung cake na lang ang binigay ko, at hindi yung bag.

Sobrang hiyang-hiya ako. Doon ko narealize na lahat pala ng mga effort ko, ay walang kwenta.

Na sa wala akong kwenta.

Hindi ko naman kasi alam na ayaw niya...kasi ang pagkakakilala ko sa kanya, na-aappreciate niya lahat ng mga bagay na ibinibigay ko.

Kung, ang dahilan ng pagbabago niya ay ang pagkakamali ko, parang napaka unfair naman non.

Pero wala akong magagawa kung ganoon katigas ang puso niya.

Okay lang...

Okay lang...

Mamahalin ko parin siya ng buo, kahit nasasaktan na ako sa mga ipinapakita at ipinaparamdam niya sa akin.

For you

I was standing right there.

The cold wind brushed against my face. I had goosebumps, despite the clothing I wore.

He was there...

I was happy.

In fact, I am ecstatic. My heart was pounding so fast...but I was poker-faced-bitch, I did not display an ecstatic emotion because he might not want to see me happy.

I am afraid to show happiness around him, because he might feel uncomfortable. Because I always think that he is not happy with me anymore.

Call me negative, but that is what I feel...because that is what he makes me feel.

But you see, behind all my negativity, I still have hope. 

There is still a ray of light that keeps me going... That keeps me from pushing on what I want to achieve, because I Love him.

...because love is patient and love is kind.

I was standing right there, looking at his face...listening to him...watching him move...

I closed my eyes when he kissed my forehead and hugged me close to him.

I felt warmth...but I know, all those things are temporary.

He is still cold...not too much...but still cold.

and it hurts.

When you try so hard to put the pieces together, but still they take the pieces away over and over again.

I am not tired...I am just disappointed that pride is stronger than love.

And Love seemed like never existed in his part.

That the only thing that matters now is the Pride.

I have burried almost half of my ego and almost burried half of my sanity because of wanting and needing to prove and fix what I have broken...

But I guess, I need to be burried six feet below the ground before I could attain it.

Loving can hurt us...as told by Ed.

But Loving can make us sane, insane...loving make all things possible...because Love is all about love...

God is Love...

And I love him...to the depth and breadth and height...

...even if you (don't) love me anymore (?) and cannot forgive me for all the things I have done...

I will always love you no matter what...even it hurts a million more than what I am feeling at the moment...it's okay, because it's you... That is how much I love you.

I want...

I want to be happy... to be truly happy again.

I am tired of mourning every single day...

I am tired of feigning my smile to everyone, and hiding my tears to the whole world.

I am alone.

Even the most important person in my life...he makes me feel so alone.

He is as cold as ice... emotionless...even I try so hard to thaw his cold heart...that even my tears has no match with it.

Perhaps he doesn't care anymore.

I want to ask him, but he'll ignore it anyway, so I'd rather not.

I am just hoping and praying that someday, it will all get better.

That I will be truly happy one day...

I feel sorry for myself because I am not good enough.

I cannot make him accept me as who I am. I cannot make him love me back, like the way I love him.

I am not good enough...because he cannot forgive me.

I am not hood enough because I am not worthy.

I am not good enough because he's tired.

I tried everything. I endured everything.

I have cried all my tears.

I have clenched my chest a million times because the pain is excruciating.

I want to be happy again.

...to feel the warmth of his embrace.

...to feel all the emotions of his voice.

...to feel the passion in his eyes.

...to believe every "i love you" that he speak.

I hope I won't die soon...

Because I will wait for that time to come. I don't care how long it will take...

...because I want to be happy again.

Anytime...

It seems like everything is going to end anytime.

We'll never know when...but it's getting there. 

And for that moment, I want that each day that I'm still breathing, I want him to feel and know that I love him as much I have loved him for the first time.

I want him to know that I care for him... that I need him...that he makes me happy and sad at the same time...that he makes me laugh and cry...that he makes a premature ventricular contraction in me when he says he loves me...that I want him for the rest of my life.

I want to stare him each time he's by my side...because I love his eyes, his eyebrows, his nose, his cheeks, his lips, his smile...i love everything about him. 

I want him to know that whenever I stare at him, I am thanking God for giving me such a wonderful gift. For giving me the person I wanted to be with... 

I want him to know that everyday, he is my sunshine...that whenever I wake up next to him, my heart calms and he takes away all the worries and sadness in me.

I love him so much. 

I want him to be aware of everything...because we will never know when it is going to end.

We will never know...

I want to tell him that I am hurting too...but it's okay. Because life is like this.

I want him to know that even though it hurts so much, I will not stop loving him...even if he decides not to love me anymore...because I know, anytime, everything will end...

...but nothing's going to end for me--- because Love keeps me going...

Because loving him makes me stronger and makes me weak...makes me laugh and cry...loving him makes me happy...loving him makes me whole.

Because anytime...it's going to end...

But my Love won't...

When it hurts too much

He is still cold...and he's aware of it.

I cried a million times in front of him, and told him that its hurting me so much.

He watched me cry... and I thought he can endure watching me cry...and I thought he didn't care anymore. I cried harder because of the thought of it.

It hurts. 

...and he asked me to stop because he said he's going to start crying too... He's eyes were watering...

and I tried to stop... and he brushed my face with his hands and he told me he loves me.

I didn't know where it came from... I am confused... Did it came from his heart or it came out from his pity.

I didn't know, but it made me felt okay for a while.

I miss  everything about him.

And I am afraid to lose him.

The pain I am having right now is like the pain never went away since the day he ignored my existence in his life. 

It hurts...

NA SANA...

Magpatawad.

Maging masaya.

Magmahal ng totoo at walang alinlangan.

Sa loob ng matagal na panahong paghihintay, I was about to give up. 

I was about to forget everything, leave everything behind, na kahit masakit, na kahit ikamatay ko, okay lang... Atleast, hindi ako nagkulang.

Ginawa ko ang lahat...ang lahat, lahat pero hindi pala sapat ang mga ibinuhos kong pawis, dugo, iyak at lahat lahat...

Sabi nga nila, babaliktad din ang lahat...

Mararanasan rin nila ang hirap na pinagdaanan ko, ngunit sa ibang  paraan...

Lagi kong ipinagdarasal na sana, isang araw, magigising na lang ako na magaan ang aking pakiramdam. That I'd be happy again... That I will smile genuinely again... to laugh again and to see a brighter me in front of the mirror.

How I wish that day will come...

na sana dumating na yung araw na may...

magpatawad;

maging masaya; at

magmahal ng totoo at walang alinlangan...

One day

© to the owner

ONE DAY, HE WILL HUG ME...and everything will get back in shape. 

😊😊😊 

You

You were holding my hand...but then you let go. 

You were calling my baby...but then you stopped.

You were making plans...but then there's nothing.

You said you were busy...but yhe  you were hanging out with them.

I kept on waiting...

Waiting...that one day, you'll find time for me. Or atleast see me, and hold my hand even just for a while...

I was ecstatic when you called me baby.

I thought everything is back... But then, it seems like you just accidentally typed baby, and did not mean it at all...

I don't wamt to think about it...but you are making me feel less loved... Less wanted...less appreciated.

You easily get annoyed with me...

It breaks my heart...

It really breaks my heart...that sometimes, I wish I won't wake up anymore, or die on a car crash, or just die without any reason because it keeps on hurting me over and over.

I guess I am not good enough...

So I'll just try harder.

Even if it hurts a million times.

Because I love you...

I miss everything about you.

There are times that you make me feel so alive...

But most of the time, you make me feel that I don't exist.

There are times you make me feel that you love me so much...

But most of the time, you make me feel that I am not important.

Everyday, you tell stories, but every detail of it is all about you and your friends...

you and your classmates...

You and your exams...

You and your headache...

You and your enemies...

You and your teachers...

And it was months ago that you talked about You and Me...

I have the right to be jealous...

But you seem to forbid...because I've been reading between the lines.

I get jealous because I love you, and I'm sorry if I do.

I keep on praying that my heart and yours will be healed...

Because ai know you are in pain too...

I just don't know how much it hurts you...

Because mine is too painful, that I had to ECG myself at the hospital and asked for an echocardiography request... I also had my blood extracted because My heart beats faster than normal...

Because you see, it hurts...

Loving you hurts so much...

But I don't want to lose you, because I love you...