For you

I was standing right there.

The cold wind brushed against my face. I had goosebumps, despite the clothing I wore.

He was there...

I was happy.

In fact, I am ecstatic. My heart was pounding so fast...but I was poker-faced-bitch, I did not display an ecstatic emotion because he might not want to see me happy.

I am afraid to show happiness around him, because he might feel uncomfortable. Because I always think that he is not happy with me anymore.

Call me negative, but that is what I feel...because that is what he makes me feel.

But you see, behind all my negativity, I still have hope. 

There is still a ray of light that keeps me going... That keeps me from pushing on what I want to achieve, because I Love him.

...because love is patient and love is kind.

I was standing right there, looking at his face...listening to him...watching him move...

I closed my eyes when he kissed my forehead and hugged me close to him.

I felt warmth...but I know, all those things are temporary.

He is still cold...not too much...but still cold.

and it hurts.

When you try so hard to put the pieces together, but still they take the pieces away over and over again.

I am not tired...I am just disappointed that pride is stronger than love.

And Love seemed like never existed in his part.

That the only thing that matters now is the Pride.

I have burried almost half of my ego and almost burried half of my sanity because of wanting and needing to prove and fix what I have broken...

But I guess, I need to be burried six feet below the ground before I could attain it.

Loving can hurt us...as told by Ed.

But Loving can make us sane, insane...loving make all things possible...because Love is all about love...

God is Love...

And I love him...to the depth and breadth and height...

...even if you (don't) love me anymore (?) and cannot forgive me for all the things I have done...

I will always love you no matter what...even it hurts a million more than what I am feeling at the moment...it's okay, because it's you... That is how much I love you.

I want...

I want to be happy... to be truly happy again.

I am tired of mourning every single day...

I am tired of feigning my smile to everyone, and hiding my tears to the whole world.

I am alone.

Even the most important person in my life...he makes me feel so alone.

He is as cold as ice... emotionless...even I try so hard to thaw his cold heart...that even my tears has no match with it.

Perhaps he doesn't care anymore.

I want to ask him, but he'll ignore it anyway, so I'd rather not.

I am just hoping and praying that someday, it will all get better.

That I will be truly happy one day...

I feel sorry for myself because I am not good enough.

I cannot make him accept me as who I am. I cannot make him love me back, like the way I love him.

I am not good enough...because he cannot forgive me.

I am not hood enough because I am not worthy.

I am not good enough because he's tired.

I tried everything. I endured everything.

I have cried all my tears.

I have clenched my chest a million times because the pain is excruciating.

I want to be happy again.

...to feel the warmth of his embrace.

...to feel all the emotions of his voice.

...to feel the passion in his eyes.

...to believe every "i love you" that he speak.

I hope I won't die soon...

Because I will wait for that time to come. I don't care how long it will take...

...because I want to be happy again.

Anytime...

It seems like everything is going to end anytime.

We'll never know when...but it's getting there. 

And for that moment, I want that each day that I'm still breathing, I want him to feel and know that I love him as much I have loved him for the first time.

I want him to know that I care for him... that I need him...that he makes me happy and sad at the same time...that he makes me laugh and cry...that he makes a premature ventricular contraction in me when he says he loves me...that I want him for the rest of my life.

I want to stare him each time he's by my side...because I love his eyes, his eyebrows, his nose, his cheeks, his lips, his smile...i love everything about him. 

I want him to know that whenever I stare at him, I am thanking God for giving me such a wonderful gift. For giving me the person I wanted to be with... 

I want him to know that everyday, he is my sunshine...that whenever I wake up next to him, my heart calms and he takes away all the worries and sadness in me.

I love him so much. 

I want him to be aware of everything...because we will never know when it is going to end.

We will never know...

I want to tell him that I am hurting too...but it's okay. Because life is like this.

I want him to know that even though it hurts so much, I will not stop loving him...even if he decides not to love me anymore...because I know, anytime, everything will end...

...but nothing's going to end for me--- because Love keeps me going...

Because loving him makes me stronger and makes me weak...makes me laugh and cry...loving him makes me happy...loving him makes me whole.

Because anytime...it's going to end...

But my Love won't...

When it hurts too much

He is still cold...and he's aware of it.

I cried a million times in front of him, and told him that its hurting me so much.

He watched me cry... and I thought he can endure watching me cry...and I thought he didn't care anymore. I cried harder because of the thought of it.

It hurts. 

...and he asked me to stop because he said he's going to start crying too... He's eyes were watering...

and I tried to stop... and he brushed my face with his hands and he told me he loves me.

I didn't know where it came from... I am confused... Did it came from his heart or it came out from his pity.

I didn't know, but it made me felt okay for a while.

I miss  everything about him.

And I am afraid to lose him.

The pain I am having right now is like the pain never went away since the day he ignored my existence in his life. 

It hurts...

NA SANA...

Magpatawad.

Maging masaya.

Magmahal ng totoo at walang alinlangan.

Sa loob ng matagal na panahong paghihintay, I was about to give up. 

I was about to forget everything, leave everything behind, na kahit masakit, na kahit ikamatay ko, okay lang... Atleast, hindi ako nagkulang.

Ginawa ko ang lahat...ang lahat, lahat pero hindi pala sapat ang mga ibinuhos kong pawis, dugo, iyak at lahat lahat...

Sabi nga nila, babaliktad din ang lahat...

Mararanasan rin nila ang hirap na pinagdaanan ko, ngunit sa ibang  paraan...

Lagi kong ipinagdarasal na sana, isang araw, magigising na lang ako na magaan ang aking pakiramdam. That I'd be happy again... That I will smile genuinely again... to laugh again and to see a brighter me in front of the mirror.

How I wish that day will come...

na sana dumating na yung araw na may...

magpatawad;

maging masaya; at

magmahal ng totoo at walang alinlangan...

One day

© to the owner

ONE DAY, HE WILL HUG ME...and everything will get back in shape. 

😊😊😊 

You

You were holding my hand...but then you let go. 

You were calling my baby...but then you stopped.

You were making plans...but then there's nothing.

You said you were busy...but yhe  you were hanging out with them.

I kept on waiting...

Waiting...that one day, you'll find time for me. Or atleast see me, and hold my hand even just for a while...

I was ecstatic when you called me baby.

I thought everything is back... But then, it seems like you just accidentally typed baby, and did not mean it at all...

I don't wamt to think about it...but you are making me feel less loved... Less wanted...less appreciated.

You easily get annoyed with me...

It breaks my heart...

It really breaks my heart...that sometimes, I wish I won't wake up anymore, or die on a car crash, or just die without any reason because it keeps on hurting me over and over.

I guess I am not good enough...

So I'll just try harder.

Even if it hurts a million times.

Because I love you...

I miss everything about you.

There are times that you make me feel so alive...

But most of the time, you make me feel that I don't exist.

There are times you make me feel that you love me so much...

But most of the time, you make me feel that I am not important.

Everyday, you tell stories, but every detail of it is all about you and your friends...

you and your classmates...

You and your exams...

You and your headache...

You and your enemies...

You and your teachers...

And it was months ago that you talked about You and Me...

I have the right to be jealous...

But you seem to forbid...because I've been reading between the lines.

I get jealous because I love you, and I'm sorry if I do.

I keep on praying that my heart and yours will be healed...

Because ai know you are in pain too...

I just don't know how much it hurts you...

Because mine is too painful, that I had to ECG myself at the hospital and asked for an echocardiography request... I also had my blood extracted because My heart beats faster than normal...

Because you see, it hurts...

Loving you hurts so much...

But I don't want to lose you, because I love you...