Balang Araw

Sabi ng kaibigan ko, hindi daw natin deserve ang sobrang nasasaktan. Kahit pa man daw nagkasala tayo, hindi iyon dahilan upang maranasan natin ang pagdurusa sa matagal na panahon. 

Iisa lang naman daw ang sagot sa lahat ng bagay. Ang magpatawad at huwag masyadong taasan ang pride.

Sabi ko naman, hindi naman ako ma pride. 

Ginagawa ko ang lahat upang manumbalik ang dati, pero sa tingin ko, its not good enough...and it will never be good enough. Perhaps his heart was shattered into millions of pieces that is why he cannot look at me just like before. Perhaps he has fallen out of love that's why he doesn't speak of our endearment. Or perhaps he wanted me to give up first so that he could tell the world that I was the one who cut the string... 

Hindi ko talaga alam. 

Ang hirap pala mag mahal ng isang taong lubusan mo ng kilala.

Ang hirap pala nang mawalan ng bestfriend.

Ang hirap pala kung nawala na ang tiwala niya sa 'yo, na kahit anong hirap mong ibalik ito at patunayan ang sarili mo, kung wala na siyang pakialam sa'yo... Mawawasak ka lang.

Malapit na akong mawasak.

Lutang na nga ako sa work. Sabi ng isa kong workmate, "It seems like you're not here, lutang na lutang ka". I just smiled and said, I know... sorry.

Ang hirap magtago at umiyak. 

Minsan pa nga sa sobrang lungkot ko, umiyak na lang ako sa bus ng sobra at wala na akong pakialam kung sino ang mga tao sa paligid ko.

The pain is damn real. It's killing me slowly.

But then, My friend told me, "I know you love him so much, no doubt in that, but you need to love yourself too". "If you can still hold on and hope for the best, I'm gonna support you".

Kung kaya ko pa daw ang kumapit, sige lang.

Sabi ko naman, kakapit ako hanggang sabihin niya kung ano na kami.

Kasi hanggang ngayon, umaasa pa rin ako na maibabalik ang dati.

Na tatanggapin pa rin niya ako kahit pa ganito ako.

Sabi ko nga rin sa sarili ko, dapat hindi na ako nagrereklamo, kasi kahit ganito ang sitwasyon, KAMI parin.

Pero minsan din kasi, napapaisip ako...

Baka ginagawa lang niya ito kasi naawa na siya sa akin... O ginagawa niya lang ito para magkaroon pa rin ako ng HOPE, kahit false hope.

Ang gulo na kasi.

Gusto ko siyang makausap, pero iniiwasan niya ang mga bagay na ito.

Ayaw niya talagang pag-usapan.

Kaya hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan kam magiging ganito.

Gaano man katagal. Maghihintay ako. Hindi ako bibitiw.

Kasi Mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal ko siya.

At sana darating yung araw na gigising akong masaya.

SANA...

            Marami na ang nagbago sa mga araw na nagdaan. Marami na ring mga bagay na dating nakasanayan ay unti-unti nang nalilimutan at nababalewala…Gayunpaman, umaasa parin ako na balang araw, mauunawaan rin ng lahat at tatanggapin rin ng lahat na ang lahat ng bagay sa mundo ay nagbabago…

            Tila wala ng saysay ang lahat ng bagay sa mundo. Wala na ang dating sigla. Wala na rin ang dating mga kislap ng mga mata na nananalaytay kahit pa sobrang pagod at hirap ang nagdaang araw. Hindi naging alintana ang mga iyon noon… Pero ngayon, konting pagkakamali lamang, naglalaho na ang lahat. Galit at poot ang umaalingawngaw. Kayhirap kong pinipigil ang pagbagsak ng aking mga luha dahil natatakot akong baka lalo pa itong pagmulan ng kanyang galit.

            Mahal na mahal ko siya. Kahit ganito kasakit ang kanyang ipinaparamdam sa akin. Kahit balewala na lang ako sa kanya. Mahal ko pa rin siya. Hindi ako martir. Hindi rin ako tanga. Mahal ko lang talaga siya. Dahil sabi ng nasa Bible, love is patient, love is kind… Oo, nagkaroon ako ng malaking kasalanan na kailanman ay hindi na niya mabubura sa kanyang isipan.

            Naging mahigpit ako sa kanya. Naging sobrang selosa ko sa mga bagay na hindi dapat pagselosan. At nagsinungaling ako sa kanya… Hindi ko lubusang inisip na aabot sa ganito ang lahat. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, sana hindi ko na lang ginawa… pero wala na, hindi ko na iyon maibabalik at mabubura dahil paulit-ulit ko itong ginawa. Sa paulit-ulit na pangyayaring iyon, paulit-ulit ko rin siyang nasaktan. Oo, naging makasarili ako. Hindi ko siya inisip… dahil akala ko, mamahalin pa rin niya ako kahit may nagawa akong mali.

            Tama siya, hindi ko siya deserve. Hindi ko deserve ang pagmamahal niya. Na sana hindi na lang  naging kami. Na sana naging magkaibigan na lang kami… Sobra akong nasaktan sa mga nabanggit niyang mga ito. Para akong paulit-ulit na sinasaksak sa dibdib. Hindi ako makaiyak dahil sobrang sikip at sakit ng aking dibdib. Sana hindi ko na lang ginawa. Sana hindi ko na lang tinago. Sana inamin ko na lang agad sa kanya…

            Kahit ilang ulit akong magpakaawa at humingi ng tawad, hindi na maibabalik sa dati. Hinihiling ko sa Diyos araw araw na sana sa aking pag-gising mawala na ang lahat ng sakit. Na sana pag-gising ko, okay na ang lahat.

            Matagal tagal na rin na hindi niya ako tinawag na “baby”. Namimiss ko na lahat ng mga bagay na ginagawa niya. Namimiss ko na ang mga pagtitig niya sa akin. Ang mga biglaang pagtawag niya sa akin kung hindi ako magrereply agad. Namimiss ko na ang mga panakaw niyang yakap at halik. Namimiss ko na ang kanyang paglalambing.

            Ilang araw na rin akong walang tigil sa pag-iyak. Lutang ang aking isipan sa tuwing na sa trabaho ako. Naiiyak na lang bigla kung nag-iisa ako. Sana kayang tanggalin ng mga pain killers lahat ng klase ng sakit upang wala ng mahirapan…

            Kalian kaya manunumbalik ang lahat?

            Babalik pa kaya ang dating kinagisnan?

            O mauuwi na ang lahat sa isang mapait at masakit na pamamaalam… na kahit ang sakit isipin at tanggapin, kailangang tanggapin ang katotohanan. Kailangang harapin ang mga bagay na atig kinakatakutan.

Mahal na mahal ko siya. Alam niya yan. At hinding hindi ko ipagkakait ang aking pagmamahal sa kanya kahit pa ipagtabuyan na niya ako sa kanyang buhay.

            Sana mapatawad mo na ako. Namimiss na kita. I love you so much, baby.

Pain demands to be felt...

There's always a rainbow after the rain...

Everything will be alright...

Be strong...

That is only temporary...

I've been receiving these kind of words lately. I've been suffering... We have been suffering from this tormenting pain for so long. I don't know how much pain will come... I know there will be more. I cannot help my self not to think aboit it. It has been consuming me. I am drowned with tears each day I wake up and each night that I go to sleep.

I can feel the pain even when I'm sleep. This is really torturing me. I refused to eat because my heart is too painful. It's like its being stabbed by a dull knife. I've been always crying... Each time I pray to Him, i cry in pain...In agony. I pray to Him to take away all the pain and give me what I've been longing But He seem not to hear me anymore. 

I've been selfish for so long. It's just now that I realized what I have done. I am losing the person that I love so much... I wish I could turn back time and change everything. 

We didn't broke up. He just needed some space because he's falling out of love. I cannot blame him, because I've done so much that it hurt him so bad. 

Now, I am paying the price. I didn't imagine that this is even worse. That I have to deal with this pain for a long time. I don't want to lose him... I want him and I need him. He became my strength...my everything... He is my bestfriend and I dont want to see him one day, the girl next to him will not be me.

My friends told me we will going to sort everything out. I'm hoping... Praying... But I remember when he went through like this, I was the one by his side... And he gave up everything because he is not happy anymore, even he loves her.

I'm afraid that it might end up like that. I don't know what will I do.

I might go crazy...

This pain I am bearing right now is killing me slowly.

Tormenting me. I'm helpless... I don't know where will I place myself in his heart...in his life...because I was so stupid...

I am praying the price that I have done.

Please forgive me baby...

I want the old us back.

I love you so much...

Anniversary

It's been a year since I finally said Yes... My bestfriend is now my boyfriend, and we have travelled far, shared memories, we laughed, shed tears, talk in the middle of night about anything in the world... We had countless misunderstandings, we became selfish, I almost gave up few times but you never did. We grew strong each day despite how complicated the things around us. I messed up several times and so did you...but I had messed up way way more than you do.

I don't know how to redeem myself from all the things I've done... I know apologizing wouldn't be enough...but I'm trying to get the things back in shape the way they used to. I suddenly realized that this is a blog, not a personal letter... But I don't care, I don't have a lot of readers anyway.

One year of being in a relationship with Jay-ar is one of the best things that happened in my life. I got a bestfriend and boyfriend at the same time. It's really good when you have established friendship first before entering into a relationship. 

Let me tell you how lucky I am to have Jay-ar in my life...

1. He farts in front of me and he is not ashamed of it

2. He tells me that he wants to poo, and he's not denying it

3. He comes at my house whenever he's done early at class and brings me food!

4. He ALWAYS kisses my forehead when he sees me.

5. He stares at me and smiles widely and tells me that I am beautiful.

6. He never fails to surprise me

7. He holds my hand in public

8. Hugs me in public

9. Grab my waist in public

10. Stares the people who stares at me ( HAHAHAA GANDA KO NO?!)

11. Bring me to movies and sometimes, it's okay to him that I fall asleep ( SOMETIMES)

12. Finds time for me even if he's too busy and I know i've been so hard on him but he always makes it up to me 

13. Loves me so much even when I look ugly, fat, full of acne or whatever

14. And all the good things a guy could ever posses.

And I forgot, he's VAIN. HE LOVES TO TAKE SELFIES!!!!! 

Well those are just some of the things why I am lucky.

Now, let me tell you about our first anniversary.

We celebrated at their house. I thought it was just an ordinary day.

Of course I made something for him...

I baked cupcakes!

I also bought him a gym bag which he has been eyeing for weeks. 

But I knew by then that he knows what I am giving him.

Yup, I also bought a heart-shaped foil balloon.

My heart was melting when I saw his face. I wanted to cry! I was so happy.

And then, when Dan, Jay-ar and I went downstairs, there were tons of foods in the dining area, and all of his relatives were there.

Her mom told me that the feast was his surprise for me.

I was speechless...dumbfounded really, because I recognized those foods were the ones we bought in the grocery, and he made me believe that it was for her cousin's despedida party.

And then I lost him... He was nowhwere to be found...

...and there he is, holding a beautiful bouquet of roses. I blushed, felt shy for the first time, despite he has given me 7 bouquets...

I felt beautiful and loved...and most of all SPECIAL, because he did all of these in front of his relatives.

I really couldn't ask for more.

The food was so good, i thought I ate beyond what my stomach's capacity. Lol

We wnent upstairs...and in his bed, there's a nike shoe...

I looked at him in disbelief... He said it's mine... I opened it, it is really mine!!!

I wanted to cry because I want this so bad. 

At the end of the day he told me that he's sorry that it wasn't a romantic candle light dinner...

I said, DUH?! Are you nuts, this is perfect! This way better than candle light dinner, it looks selfish because we're the only one who's eating.

It's my first time, well, OUR first time to have an anniversary like this. A real anniversary. 

I will treasure this forever... Kahit maraming mga bitter na nagsasabing walang forever. Ha! 

I thank God for everything...for giving me the love of my life...

I hope that we have more journeys to come... challenges to face and overcome it over and ove again.

I love you so much Jay-ar! Happy Anniversary and I'm sorry for all the things that caused you pain. I hope and pray that we bring back what has been lost... I love you! 

-Anne

Juniora

I love staring at your face...looking into your eyes...looking at your face again... Examining every inch of it...and then I start talking to myself, that I have found the most adorable bestfriend and boyfriend in my existence. 

I didn't find you so attractive the first time I met you... You were just pure sex appeal...hahaha! And since you and I started to become closer...you started looking good as much as I do. Well, sabi nila, pag lagi kayong magkasama, nakukuha mo na yung qualities ng bawat isa. Buti na lang qualities ko ang mga nakuha mo. Thanks ha, wala akong nakuha sa 'yo. CHARRRROTTTTT! Haha shempre I acquired your sweetness and you always remind me to thank God for everything. 

Sabi kay Juniora ( I call him that because I believe that he has a feminine heart), when I look at him, Nag Thathank you ako kay God because he gave me a good looking bestfriend and a boyfriend.

Alam ko naman na hiniling mo kay God araw-araw since 1st year college na maging girlfriend mo ko, and last year ng August, natupad na yon, FINALLY! 

So eto, wala lang. Namiss lang ulit kita.

Lagi mong tandaan na I will always be right here, kahit masungit ka. Kahit malaki ang mata mo, kahit lagi mong nilalait ilong ko, kahit lagi mong ipinipilit na tignan ang kili-kili ko, kahit lagi kang umuutot saa harap ko, at kahit niyaya mo akong amuyin ang kili kili mo. Okay lang... Mahal pa rin kita kahit ganyan. Hehehe